Mothers Day and Infertility

Mother's Day During Your Infertility Journey
by Phyllis Martin, LPC

Mother's Day and the days leading up to the holiday tend to be quite a difficult time for women and couples during their infertility journey.  Many holidays are hard when coping with infertility, but Mother’s Day can be especially trying when you are working so hard to become a parent.  Complex emotions may surface as you see the celebration of motherhood unfold before you.  It feels as if the celebration excludes you because you are not yet a mom, yet it feels unfair because you are working so hard to become one.  I have always thought that even if you haven’t met your family building goals, your survival thus far, your effort, your hard work, and the challenges that you have overcome should be rewarded as well.  The status of motherhood should not be the only measure, the pursuit of motherhood should be acknowledged as well. 

Women often say that for years they thought of Mother’s Day as a day to celebrate their own mother's contribution.  Once the pursuit of motherhood begins; however, women may gain a new perspective on the holiday and begin to think of themselves and their future as a mother.  For a woman trying to become a mother, the Mother's Day holiday may morph into a very tangible reminder of what they feel they are missing and exacerbate their fears surrounding infertility.   

For many coping with infertility, Mother’s Day is like pouring salt into a wound.  Infertility often causes feelings of isolation, and the approach of Mother’s Day may emphasize feelings of envy of other women who are mothers.  It can seem like everyone else reaches motherhood so naturally and easily.  They already have the prized position of motherhood, and they still get to celebrate it out loud (with lots of Hallmark ads for weeks before and 1/2 off sales afterwards)!  Yet women facing infertility receive no recognition for all the hard work just to become pregnant and stay pregnant.  No pat on the back of congratulations for all that work, stress, and anxiety.  Unfortunately, the day can be a bitter reminder for those who have worked so very hard but have not yet seen their hard work manifest itself into motherhood. 

So as we approach Mother's Day (and the days that follow), prepare for it by educating yourself and taking proactive steps to protect your peace of mind:

• Realize that grief may flair at various times.
• Understand that grief can feel or look like:  feeling “out of sorts,” irritability, difficulty focusing, crying, loss of motivation, sleep disturbances, appetite changes, or the inability to enjoy things.
• Remember that you are not alone and you are not going crazy if you feel sorry for yourself, envious of others, or even angry.  
• If you plan to attend a religious service, speak to your minister or rabbi ahead of time to ask that he/she acknowledge all those who are TRYING to become mothers, not just those who are mothers.
• Plan extreme self care for yourself that day, or after any event you may be obligated to attend, so that you have something to look forward to for yourself.
• If you are spending the day with family and they know of your infertility challenges, enlist their support.
• Know that you can feel happy for family and friends, grateful for your own mother, and still sad for you.  It does not make you selfish or a bad person.
• Be proud of yourself for your effort and fortitude.
• Make a concrete plan to do something that recognizes all of your hard work and effort such as a weekend getaway, massage, spa treatment, a funny movie, a picnic, or outdoor activity.  The sky is the limit and living in the Washington, DC area, there are dozens of free and fun things to do.

Lastly, for spouses concerned about how to handle this day, plan something for your wife that recognizes both the sadness of not being a mother yet, but more importantly the strength, effort, and survival skills she has utilized to get this far in your journey.  You may not be where you want to be yet, but your effort is commendable. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all Mothers and Mothers-To-Be!